The following is a sign that I’ve had posted on the door of my apartment for about a year. I got tired of the constant stream of solicitors asking for money, magazine subscriptions, etc. I’ve had a few requests for copies of the sign from friends, pizza delivery people, and FedEx employees, so I thought I’d post it here. (Please understand that the threat of violence contained within is jocular in nature).
(Unless you are someone under the age of 12 selling something sweet, like cookies or candy, at a price not to exceed $2.00, for your scout troop, sports team, or church group. I’m sympathetic to child slave labor, I like kids, and I like cookies even better.)
But if you do not fall into that category, I don’t want your magazine because I already have a subscription. I don’t want your newspaper because I already get it. I do not want to pay you to run, walk, swim, jog, jog-walk, swim-jog, or walk-run. I do not want to pay you to cure AIDS. I don’t want to fund your fraternity’s trip to Mexico. I genuinely hope that together we can help stop female breast cancer, and while I’ll be more than happy to give you a free exam, I do not want to pay you to examine others. I do not want a “trial” anything. I do not want to pay you to leave me alone, that’s what this sign is for. I do not want you to keep standing in front of my door, reading this sign in the hopes that I might have posted an exception for your particular breed of leech. If you want my money, feel free to try robbing me. I carry a knife with a 4-inch blade and will gladly extend your smile to your ears. Thank you, and the best of luck screwing over my neighbors.