Tempus Fugit

Social Security is in trouble, and the solution isn’t pretty. Benefits will have to go down, taxes will have to go up, probably both. Even if you can invest 4% of your taxes in a private account, Social Security is still a Ponzi scheme with no guaranteed benefits. I want out. So here is my plan:

1. Stop paying benefits. Unintended perk: old people rioting is like regular rioting, but with canes, walkers, and in slow motion.
2. Stop collecting Social Security taxes. It’s like giving workers an instant 12.4-15.3% raise!
3. Use the leftover money for body cleanup. Any leftover money should be used to pay for disposal of all the wrinkled communists who would rather starve than cancel their cable (gasp, and risk missing their “stories”?!). They’re chuckle-worthy when they’re in Wal-Mart talking about the “damn negros” and “queers,” but they have a tendency to stink once they’re dead.
4. Laminate all Social Security cards. Because you’re not allowed to now, and it would be fun. Also: carry it in your wallet… that’s forbidden too.

Okay, so now that we’ve had some fun with that, listen up. I’m serious about this. I want out. There is nothing I would like more than to see Social Security become absolutely optional. I would like to be able to sign a form, get back 100% of the money I paid in (I won’t even ask for inflation adjustment), and be done with the whole mess. Why can’t I do that? How much of an effect could I possibly have? Well, not that much. But supporters of the program will never let that happen. Here’s why: they know that if people were given an out, many would take it. Workers would leave the system, but obviously no one collecting benefits would want to leave. This means that more of a burden would be placed on the workers still in the system. “Well shit,” they’d think. “Why don’t I just get out now and cut my losses?” And they would. And soon the system would start running out of money to buy people off (actually, it would run out very early on). People would see that not only is the system of retirement benefits collapsing, but their window of opportunity for escape is quickly closing! There would be a mad rush to get out of the system, and it would die a glorious death. The beauty of this scheme is that the youngest workers, the ones for whom Social Security provides the least amount of promise, would likely be the first ones to get out. It’s like a Ponzi scheme in reverse!

See, Social Security only works if everyone is forced to pay into it. Nice how they force you (at gunpoint… if you keep resisting) to pay into Social Security, but don’t provide you any guarantee of benefits. Thank you, Uncle Sam, may I have another?!

I want someone to explain to me why I should be forced to pay money into a system that will only yield a pathetic 1.82% (0.73% if you are black) return to me, should I live to reach retirement. Why should I be forced to do that? If Social Security provides me with security, can’t I just provide my own security and say “no thanks” to donating to the Social Security system? Well no, because the security of the current generation of retirees is what is actually relevant, and the only way they can justify having people like me pay for their retirement is by promising me that when I come of age, my grandchildren will get similarly fucked. That’s my Social Security: knowing that the children and grandchildren I don’t yet have already resent me.