On Urban Missionaries

The intersection of University Ave and 13th St (highway 441) here in Gainesville is the local epicenter of the beggar, the political protester, and the urban missionaries. The most famous of the urban missionaries is the one who skates around on roller skates, with a giant (like, 15-20 feet tall) cross covered with a cloth, upon which various religious slogans are painted. More ordinary, are the ones who wear matching pastel vests and hand out cards with catchy 1970s style graphics.

Like this one, I got the other day:

God Loves You!
...even Asians of ambiguous gender!

Copyright 1972, natch.

How do you KNOW God Loves You?
Jesus... now available in 'coiffed'

As it says in Gel-ations 24:13, “And his hair shall be pure and prismatic. L’Oreal, Paris.”

I Love... (blank heart)
...that God gave me a Bible instead of legs

What is this… fill in the blank?

But... SIN (with 'sin' in a heart)
Sin: it gives you that warm fuzzy feeling

Erm… I’m guessing that the idea here is that your heart is filled with SIN, but the pink “love rays” aren’t really enhancing their message here.

Christ Died For Us (footnote)
Paying attention to the fine print

What does the footnote mean!? Some conditions may apply? Not valid in Wisconsin? These claims have not been evaluated by the FDA? Ahhh!

So when I received this gem, I delivered the wittiest line that came to me at the moment: “I’m already in the club.”

I know I can do better. I’m starting a list of responses (and actions) for future urban missionary encounters. Why? Because urban missionaries are amusing, and it’s funny, and because self-deprecating humor is the best kind of humor.

  1. “Oy vey!”
  2. “Excuse me… I’m CATHOLIC
  3. Raise two pieces of wood up in the shape of a cross and slowly walk past them, remaining facing them until a safe distance has been created
  4. “Score! Collect them all!” while grabbing for the pamphlet
  5. “You guys behind on your quota or something?”
  6. “Your friend across the street said that he loves Jesus way more than you”
  7. Raise palm in peaceful gesture, revealing stigmata on wrist. “Look busy. I’m coming.”

Comments

  1. says

    I prefer my well-practiced demonic growl speaking…

    Walk up to ‘em… “YOUR BLOOD, I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD, AND I WILL DINE UPON YOUR FLESH!” and laugh evilly.

    At this point, they try to stab with we crosses and things, or run away… great fun :-D

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  1. Jesus Warriors

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