Healthcare.gov and Impossible Family Structures

In which I attempted to sign up with healthcare.gov and was stymied by its apparent inability to grok the structure of my family (consisting of me, my wife, and two sons).

I don’t know why everyone is complaining about http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v. If you know how to use the Chrome inspector to edit HTML, it’s easy.

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

GLaDO-HHS: “The Department of Health and Human Services regrets to inform you that this next http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v screen… is impossible.”

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Here’s a cheat code for defeating the http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v “no, I didn’t marry my own grandchild” level boss. pic.twitter.com/90dWZaxYat

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v makes all sorts of fucked up assumptions about Florida families. These are non-editable. pic.twitter.com/L4XbKkvgbR

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Non-editable http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v family relationship assumption #1: My wife is the daughter of my sons.

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Non-editable http://t.co/QTGHDipC8q family relationship assumption #2: My second son is the father of my first son.

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Non-editable http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v family relationship assumption #3: My wife is the sister of my sons.

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

@markjaquith Given how genetics work, your family is *definitely* going to need healthcare.

— Bryan Jones (@bdkjones) October 22, 2013

Now one of my sons is his own sibling. And http://t.co/nXZXXR8a8Q wants to know if he is also his own ward. pic.twitter.com/98sq8g580x

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Opened up http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v live chat feature for help with it thinking that my son is his own brother. Agent’s name is… Mark. O_O

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

I decided to use the http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v Live Chat feature to figure out my complicated family relationships: https://t.co/2nuYaaCjTM

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Live chat transcript:

[10:18:00 pm]: Thanks for contacting Health Insurance Marketplace Live Chat. Please wait while we connect you to someone who can help.
[10:18:03 pm]: Please be patient while we’re helping other people.
[10:18:07 pm]: Welcome! You’re now connected to Health Insurance Marketplace Live Chat.

Thanks for contacting us. My name is Mark. To protect your privacy, please don’t provide any personal information, like Social Security Number, or any other sensitive medical or personal information.
[10:19:37 pm]: Mark Do you have any questions that I can help you with?
[10:20:30 pm]: Mark I seem to be stuck in some sort of redneck family relationship loop.
[10:21:37 pm]: Mark It thinks my wife is my grandaughter, my second son is my first son’s father, and that my wife is the sister of my sons. And now it thinks that one of my sons is his own brother. And also possibly his own legal guardian.
[10:23:53 pm]: Mark I’m also considering the possibility that you are actually me, from the future. Pretty sure time travel is the only way to resolve this neatly.
[10:24:33 pm]: Mark you can call the marketplace at 1-800-318-2596 and they can help you resolve this issue.
[10:24:41 pm]: Mark I apologize for the inconvenience.
[10:25:24 pm]: Mark Thanks for your interest in the Health Insurance Marketplace. We have a lot of visitors trying to use our website right now. This is causing some glitches for some people trying to create accounts or log in. Keep trying, and thanks for your patience. You might have better success during off-peak hours, like later at night or early in the morning. We’ll continue working to improve the site so you can get covered!
[10:26:56 pm]: Mark Do you have any other questions that I can help you with?
[10:27:44 pm]: Mark Nah. I’m probably going to have to talk to my wife and a really clever geneticist to answer my other questions. Thanks!
[10:27:53 pm]: Mark Thank you for contacting Health Insurance Marketplace Live Chat. We are here to help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
[10:28:24 pm]: Mark thanks for the laughs, you have a great since of humor about the whole thing.
[10:29:27 pm]: Mark 🙂
[10:29:37 pm]: Mark Thank you for contacting Health Insurance Marketplace Live Chat. We are here to help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
[10:29:40 pm]: ‘Mark’ has left the chat session.
[10:29:42 pm]: Your chat session is over. Thanks for contacting us, and we hope we’ve answered your questions. Have a great day.

@markjaquith Thanks, now I have the I'm My Own Grandpa song stuck in my head 🙁

— Karen W (@KMarieMW) October 22, 2013

@KMarieMW Just another day in the complicated webs of Floridian procreation.

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Now http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v now asks me this question 4 times in a row. The fourth time, it won’t let me continue. pic.twitter.com/xypaIrKjkr

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

@markjaquith That is . . . wow. Even with reasonable assumptions of who's who, it still makes no sense.

— James Huff (@MacManXcom) October 22, 2013

@MacManXcom I was going to mark it up with him as “Mark2”, but it’s better as-is, I think.

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013

Since http://t.co/U1xJazRu2v won’t let me correct my apparently circular family structure, I’m making my own queries. pic.twitter.com/0p0gZu7MNm

— Mark Jaquith (@markjaquith) October 22, 2013