Halloween is my least favorite holiday (or rather, holiday eve). At its very best, it can be a celebration of the season and a diverse display of clever costumes. But more often than not, it’s about store-bought licensed character costumes, more candy than a person should ever eat in a year, and the worst of all: trick-or-treating.
Trick-or-treating is a vile concept. Children are taught to impatiently ring the doorbells of their neighbors (or complete strangers), demand candy from them, and threaten violence if they don’t comply. “Give me candy, or I will do something evil to you or your property” is what “trick or treat” means. It’s a protection racket! That kid wearing a New Jersey Mobster outfit isn’t in costume — he’s in uniform.
Okay, okay, so most children aren’t aware of the “trick” portion of their greeting — it is just habit. But what about the entitlement mentality that is being fostered? We’re too busy teaching kids about what color stripes Nemo has, for their costume, and not enough time teaching them to question our silly traditions. “Do you think people have to give you candy on Halloween?” is a much better question than “which Power Ranger do you want to be?” Why aren’t we teaching them to question why a stranger would feel obligated to give them candy one night out of the year?
I’m done. I’m not going to play. I’m tired of spending an entire evening handing out diabetes starter kits to ungrateful snots in repetitive costumes. Actually, my favorite type of trickster is the uncostumed tag-along friend. They get it. They know it’s not about the costumes. It’s about the candy you get to take from people who paid for it and the fact that very few of those people would have the balls to tell an uncostumed candy fiend to fuck off and at least attempt to add some frivolity to their looting. So thank you, too-cool-to-wear-a-costume kid. Thank you for exposing the absurdity hiding behind your 11-year-old friend’s Walmart-bought pole dancer outfit.
Next: why my future children going to tell your kids that Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real and why I’m going to back them up when you you get all worked up about it.
Update: Gravel and styrofoam in our mailbox. See? It’s a threat. And not an idle one. We weren’t even here. We went to the movies and to Hooters (which was just as awesome as you’re imagining).
Ozh says
Hopefully we don’t live next to each other.
westi says
Good Move!
Over here in the UK it hasn’t got so bad that you get streams of children knocking on the door thankfully – but if they did they wouldn’t get anything from us either.
In fact we probably wouldn’t even bother to answer the door!
Brooke says
I just think you need to lighten up. spend some time around a young child this time of year, a giddy 3 year old might open you up to some simple childish joys in life.
Troy Thiel says
Hehe best reality call I’ve noted in a long while… Good on ya Mark.
Rob says
Just wait until you’re the atheist family and your kid tells her friends why you don’t really celebrate Christmas.
They’ll treat you like you’re a child abuser or something.
Mark says
Don’t get me started on Santa. Santa is like Halloween except the adults don’t get credit for giving out the presents… it’s the magic man from the north pole who did it! Forgive me for not wanting to immolate myself for a mystical glutton.
Danno says
Contentious and worth airing out. We can only benefit by shining more light on all our traditions and beliefs; those for kids and adults alike.
John James Jacoby says
Bah! Humbug! Arm yourself with a Super Soaker and blast the entitled harassing candy brats with Mountain Dew from 50 feet away.
It’s either that, or install a moat around your property. I’m all for moats but they’re hard work compared to a $5 squirt gun.
Gropius says
You know, in years past I might be likely to judge you as a curmudgeon. But I couldn’t agree more this year. I was over it, as reflected in my recent Gropius post. Exposure to excessively rude & greedy children didn’t help.
Sarah Howland says
Hahahahahahaha. Have you seen the Trick or Treat Curb Your Enthusiasm?
Mark says
Forgot about that! We went out to a movie and dinner (Hooters — which is now where we’re going to be spending every Halloween for the rest of my life) so there didn’t have to be any confrontations. This morning Sarah found gravel and styrofoam in our mailbox. Which just vindicates me on the point about it being a threat.
Joe Pahl says
Seems like someone had an unhappy childhood. Did your parents not let you celebrate Halloween, and now you feel the need to take it out on someone?
Mark says
They took me trick-or-treating. I rather enjoyed it as a child — free candy. And c’mon… Freud?
Roni says
I *sort of* agree.. especially with the “not enough time teaching them to question our silly traditions.” point
BUT
Putting aside all the things I like and don’t like about Halloween.. I appreciate the one day out of the year where you have a reason to go and say hi to your neighbors.
If walking my 4 year old around in a Power Ranger costume gets people to say hello now and then I’m all for it.