Halloween is my least favorite holiday (or rather, holiday eve). At its very best, it can be a celebration of the season and a diverse display of clever costumes. But more often than not, it’s about store-bought licensed character costumes, more candy than a person should ever eat in a year, and the worst of all: trick-or-treating.
Trick-or-treating is a vile concept. Children are taught to impatiently ring the doorbells of their neighbors (or complete strangers), demand candy from them, and threaten violence if they don’t comply. “Give me candy, or I will do something evil to you or your property” is what “trick or treat” means. It’s a protection racket! That kid wearing a New Jersey Mobster outfit isn’t in costume — he’s in uniform.
Okay, okay, so most children aren’t aware of the “trick” portion of their greeting — it is just habit. But what about the entitlement mentality that is being fostered? We’re too busy teaching kids about what color stripes Nemo has, for their costume, and not enough time teaching them to question our silly traditions. “Do you think people have to give you candy on Halloween?” is a much better question than “which Power Ranger do you want to be?” Why aren’t we teaching them to question why a stranger would feel obligated to give them candy one night out of the year?
I’m done. I’m not going to play. I’m tired of spending an entire evening handing out diabetes starter kits to ungrateful snots in repetitive costumes. Actually, my favorite type of trickster is the uncostumed tag-along friend. They get it. They know it’s not about the costumes. It’s about the candy you get to take from people who paid for it and the fact that very few of those people would have the balls to tell an uncostumed candy fiend to fuck off and at least attempt to add some frivolity to their looting. So thank you, too-cool-to-wear-a-costume kid. Thank you for exposing the absurdity hiding behind your 11-year-old friend’s Walmart-bought pole dancer outfit.
Next: why my future children going to tell your kids that Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real and why I’m going to back them up when you you get all worked up about it.
Update: Gravel and styrofoam in our mailbox. See? It’s a threat. And not an idle one. We weren’t even here. We went to the movies and to Hooters (which was just as awesome as you’re imagining).